Congrats. My hate review of this album is here.
THEYDIES AND GENTLETHEMS, I PRESENT:
THE HATERS REVIEW OF "PORTALS"
Let's begin.
1. Death – The opening was good/alright.
Only lyrics from the song I can connect with. Rest of the song is trash. Chorus is so repetitive and weak. Will spend no more time on this mess. 1/5
2. Void - I actually like this song, I think. However – “tangled in my own intestines” – did we really need that? We’ve got a song here that’s about the voices in our mind, and an empty darkness and void we’re running from, we’ve made our messes, we’re trying to either get away from our guilt and our inner voices, or find a way to gain mastery of them or change them into something else (“alchemize” LOL) – I’m behind it, I’m here for it…..and then we leave our cerebral inner consciousness song for a beat to….talk about some bloody intestines. The song was *almost* there. We could have just stayed in dark mental world escapism moment, but we just haaaaaaad to get visceral with the imagery. I swear it's a fetish. Song's like a 3/5 for me.
3. Tunnel Vision - First, turn off the Imogen Heap voice filter on that intro. Second, it’s literally Strawberry Shortcake 2.0 extended edition. Nothing new is being brought to the conversation here. Men just want the pussy. Rah rah. we get it. Same song, same dance, story of humanity for millennia. Dead topic with no fresh perspective or vocalization brought to the table. I actually like Strawberry Shortcake and it's on-the-nose euphemism now, by comparison. 0/5
4. Faerie Soiree - We could have had a cute little quiet bop moment about some psychedelics or whatever. And then we insert a line about Miranda Rights – why? No, genuinely why. Someone connect that to me with the rest of the song. I don't get it. Also – the outro is???? I want my 2 minutes and some change back. -10/5
5. Light Shower – WAS SO HERE FOR THE SONG, RIGHT UP UNTIL we’re talking about spending our last days on earth eating the person. Once again, her fetish for some kind of reference to death or blood or some kind of violent carnal act comes through. 1/5
6. Spider Web – first pass on the song - what are we trying to euphemize here? What are we trying to metaphor? I like parts of the song:
This part? This is so real. There’s a lot of people who feel this, especially folks in the LGBTQ+ community. Second pass - a lookup of the lyrics and the meaning behind them indicate we’re criticizing the homogenization of culture and how everything is getting caught up in the internet and social media and such. The song makes more sense to me after reading that, but if I have to look up the meaning because I’m drowning in so. much. imagery. It means it’s a tad inaccessible. 1/5
7. Leeches – this song is trying too hard. As a result I will be trying less. I will not elaborate. 0/5
8. Battle of the Larynx – BPD girl anthem (derogatory), right here folks. I went to therapy and got my shit right, so this song can miss me hard with such an immature way to handle conflict and strife in a relationship. Strong “I’m the protagonist” vibes here, so much so it's to a fault and it makes me question her positioning of herself in all the stories and narratives she sings and tells us.
The whole bit just reads as:
“I could kill you. But I won’t. But I could. But I’m not. But you won’t stand a chance if I do. But I’m not going in unless you go first. But just know if you do….”
Girl. Shit or get off the pot, get off the cross we need the wood, etc. etc. Not dignifying this with a score. So fucking anxious-avoidant.
9. The Contortionist – arguably the best place to get all dirty and body horror and bloody and gritty, but I’m so tired by this point it’s lost it’s effectiveness. However, as someone who actually was in a relationship with someone who had BPD, I can relate to this a lot. Twisting yourself to fit a mold and standard that someone else is holding you to and is ever shifting their definition of – it really does feel like you’re breaking your back, you’re snapping your limbs, jumping through hoops, and constantly being hounded by conditionals for love and acceptance that shouldn’t be so hard to get, and then when it’s there, it’s pulled away, so you chase it, and then it’s suddenly so much you’re smothered in it, and then equally as fast you’re parched again. This bit here
Girl I feel that. I got given the run around and treated myself and so many other people like shit for his attention only to get unceremoniously told, OVER TEXT, “I just cannot be around someone so ethically poisonous as you. Good bye.”, and then blocked, after years of us being together. It took me so long to “twist” myself back into shape, and the bastard isn’t around to see me in my success years. Rip.
Song gets a 2/5, but only because if I don’t pay attention to the lyrics the sonics of the track are just mid. The energy just isn't hitting for me.
9. Moon Cycle – I hate her. 0/5
10. Nypmhology - I’m disconnected from the energy of transformation here I guess. It’s just more man-hating energy. I dunno. It’s giving manic-pixie girl alright. -99999/5
11. Evil – I connect with this lyrically like I do with Contortionist, but fetish-fartinez-for-violent-and-visceral-imagery-for-president just comes through again and again and claws it back from me in that second verse. I dunno - looking at her body of work and what and how Melanie sings, I’m not entirely sure it’s always the other person who’s been bad in all her relationships. Sorry not sorry, is she trying to convince the world the other person was bad, or is she trying to convince herself that she was the innocent one? 1/5
12. Womb – if I put an icepick to the Wernicke’s area of my brain, I love the song. It’s such a bop. Someone leak me the instrumental in HQ. If I turn on cognitive processing of language – girl what? We’re drowning in lyrical metaphor again. Cycle of life and death and rebirth I guess? I get it, it's just not effective. 0/5
IN CONCLUSION
I'll probably put Void into a playlist, because I do like it, but otherwise - Melanie continues her trend of displaying (to me), that she's an emotionally immature person with a giant she-woman-man-hater's complex and a love for uncomfortably visceral and on the nose lyrics that just come off like she's trying too damn hard.
Y'all stans can @ me now. My body will gladly be the pincushion the world needs because someone's gotta soak up the hatred.
