Member of the Month (February): COLACUNT

[Sitar 22,172]

Let's ruin all the hard work LDR's done in getting Google ad-funding by putting this name on the homepage! You know his videos but not his story--kinda like a pornstar. Go behind the unflattering Lana avatar in this LanaBoards exclusive...

 

Member of the Month (February): COLACUNT!

 

 

 

1. What did you do on the day this was sent to you, but not necessarily the day that I'll post this interview (or even close lel)?

i went shopping. i just recently moved into a bigger room in my house and so i have a lot more space to decorate. i went to a bunch of vintage stores but ended up finding something i liked in some lame department store (   ). it was a really beautiful oversized “diamond” at target, roughly about the size of pre-adolescent head, although i didn’t want to pay ~$20 for it so i put a $3.99 sticker on top of the actual barcode and went through the self-checkout line instead. #colacuntlifehack

 

SH: "Diamond" in quotes? Dildo the size of a pre-adolescent head? Get money bitch

2. What's something not many people know about you or that we would be surprised to learn about?

other than the fact that i’m occasionally ghetto as fuck (see above), i… don’t know. i rarely ever know what to say about myself. i’m incredibly shy, if not totally socially retarded at times? i’m not an asshole? apparently those are things that people have been surprised to find out in the past lmao 

3. What's your current career? What's your dream job?

i’m a jobless piece of shit right now. i just recently finished my undergraduate studies and i’m currently taking a bit of time off before i start grad school. my unrealistic dream job is to be some kind of creative director in music and/or film; ideally a cinematographer or some other role with an emphasis on visual work. but this is more of a rather recent ‘dream'; i never really considered myself to be a creative person or realized how much i love to create a visual ~atmosphere until lana gave me the idea to try my hand at editing videos

 

SH: This is the part where a Rolling Stone article would link you to the slayage obv lanaboards.com/index.php?/topic/1011-fan-videos-new-once-upon-a-dream/

 

4. What did you want to be when you were growing up? Have you become that yet? Did that decision change for you?

it feels a bit unorthodox to say that i never really wanted to be anything in particular when i grew up. i didn’t really seem to like or feel too strongly about any specific field, or thing. i’m starting to realize that not many people are lucky enough to know immediately or so innately what they should be doing with their lives… but ideas were certainly planted into my head, in not so subtle ways. my (asian) parents are rather ‘traditional' in the sense that they value money, success, and respect, seemingly above most else. but it also happens that i like money too, so i’m hoping to be a dermatologist. i've always been rather invested in my own health and skincare, so i figure it'd be nice to provide a service in that regard. i love psychology, and wanted to be a psychiatrist for a while but i think i’m already disturbed enough without having to absorb and deconstruct an unlimited variety of neuroses for the rest of my foreseeable future. instead, i’ll be needling soccer moms with botox and giving hope to little crater faced boys and girls, if everything works out according to plan. but i would also love to open up a boutique on the side, selling high end vintage and/or second hand clothing / decor that i can curate myself. i think its too late for me to overhaul the decisions i’ve already made, but if this plan doesn’t pan out, i’d definitely consider attempting the more creative route. 
 

5. What would you consider your greatest accomplishment(s)?

um, finishing my undergraduate studies with a relatively decent GPA despite never attending classes and being a complete and utter slacker? although on the flip side, i could say that my GPA is one of my biggest failures because i could have probably gotten a 4.0 had i not been so fucking lazy. with my mindset(s), i can’t ever win! i guess i would say that i am proud of some of the videos i’ve made? the reception on here and on youtube has been (mostly) great and i suppose its something i can’t as easily dispute in my head. 
 

6. What are your hobbies?

watching netflix for hours on end, getting drunk, dancing (although its totally uncharacteristic of my overarching personality), going to concerts, shopping, eating, editing videos, stalking lana, stalking boys, thrifting, going to museums, playing with my cat, browsing the internet, being generally worthless 

 

SH: I think you just hit all of these points #impact

7. What's your biggest funny fail?

oh god i have so many. i don’t know if they’re necessarily funny but the one that stands out in my mind at this moment is the time i was going to see felix da housecat with a few of my friends and there was a bit of ~tension between me and a guy we were going with, so i got wasted beyond comprehension, because that’s the the healthy way to solve your problems. we had bought alcohol at costco earlier that day (where the bottles they sell are like, industrial sized) but we didn’t have shot glasses for our pre-game so people were just pouring freely into large, plastic cups without any type of measure beforehand. by the time we got downtown i was asking strangers for piggy back rides, peeing on buildings, and being a general fucking disaster. i imagine it would have been funnier if i hadn't literally collapsed all over the street, like a tree that had just been chopped down. my friends tried to sober me up at burger king, but by the time my food had come, i was already passed out on the table. i’m pretty sure this was the point where everyone realized i was too drunk to go to the actual show so they tried to find a cab to send me home in. cab after cab came by, refusing to take me because they saw the condition i was in. i ending up puking all over the back of the second or third one before it drove off. finally my friend had to get in the back of a cab with me, then “change her mind” and send me on my own. and for some reason completely unknown to my sober self, i tried running out of the cab without paying but the cab driver ran after me and caught up with me in my apartment elevator, where i was forced to pay and then berated. lmao, i’m such a fucking mess, you all have NO IDEA 

 

SH: That was an adventure start to finish, are you the hula-hooper in makingout.mp3?

8. What is your favorite memory?

off the top of my head, i would say i that really enjoyed my (totally spur of the moment) trip to london last year, where i got to see lana perform two nights in a row. i get little pangs every time i think about being there still. being in europe for the first time, being by myself, being free to do whatever i wanted without any social or emotional obligations was just pure bliss. for some reason i feel much more social, much more at ease when i’m in a foreign country. it was a great experience in general. lots of beautiful boys, and beautiful architecture everywhere. it was just a great week overall, augmented by the fact that i was able to see lana in concert. other than that, i feel like i have very few concrete memories; they’re more-so vague, almost randomized images associated with certain events and/or emotions. i think this is definitely a favorite memory, but also likely one that stands out because its a rather recent one

 

9. Lana's junior and high school years have been rather chaotic from what we know. How were/are yours?

um, in one word -- uneventful. i was very much a late bloomer, so i didn’t do anything remotely chaotic or ~fun in the context of a typical ‘high school’ experience. i didn’t even have my first drink until i was like 19. i was in the closet, so i had no boyfriends. i was friends with most of the skater / stR8 edGE guys from freshman-sophmore year (lel) and as i progressively became more in tune with my own faggotry i started hanging out with more girls from junior year onward. i didn’t really think high school was as bad as most people make it out to be, but that’s only because i spent the entirety of those four years in my head. 

 

SH: Everyone wants pix from your skater / str8 edge yrs bro

10. Do any of the words “sassy”, “fabulous”, or “flawless” describe you?

i would say i’m monotonously sassy and awkwardly fabulous. flawless, no. i’m a fucking disaster of human being lmao 

11. If you could bring two people back from the dead, have an exquisite dinner, and some great conversation with them...who would they be and what would you eat?

chris farley and carl jung. i think chris farley was and is so hilarious and i always have. that brutish, spastic retard thing he had going on was completely unique and unparalleled by anyone else. i’d want him there not only to make me piss myself but to completely contrast the presumably mellower carl jung. i think he’d be a fascinating person to chat with and learn from. i’d probably wanna serve mac n’ cheese w/ crisp as fuck bacon and some really rich and creamy coq au vin

 

12. Do you believe in any form of life after death?

yes? no? i don’t know. i haven’t really given it much thought tbh. i think maybe everyone has a certain, and very specific ‘role’ (or set of roles)  in life and once that person dies their role(s) must be fulfilled by someone else? some kind of energetic ~conservation on earth, but in the pool of living humans? or living creatures? um i just kind of pulled that out of my ass but anything could be possible? i think you should just be as good as you can in “this" life, so you don’t have to worry about coming back as some kind of insect (because they’re fucking disgusting) or amanda bynes or smth 

13. What do you see in people that you yourself wish to emulate?

i wish i was more socially at ease, more naturally ‘connected’ with the people around me. more in tune with my physical surroundings, with my senses; i wish i didn’t tune out so much of my environment. i wish i could just be a little bit more ~normal (which is somewhat synonymous with ‘extroverted’) 

 

14. If your balls were a celebrity couple, who would they be?

mary kate and ashley? they’re not a celebrity couple, but they’re celebrities that usually come in a couple. well, whatever. guys always tell me that my balls have a "gothic elegance" about them anyway

 

SH: Wait...

 

15. When did you become a fan of Lana? What was it about her that attracted you to her?

summer of 2011. i discovered video games on the hype machine, which is where i usually (and quickly) find new music for long drives. i listened to a few seconds of it, thought it sounded interesting and just put it on my phone (for later removal, if i ended up not liking it). my phone is connected to my car stereo, and i usually turn the volume up really high. so when it came on, i was on this long, single lane road on a hazy afternoon, trapped in my car and video games comes on blaring. i literally cried. i didn’t realize until then how beautiful the tone of her voice was. i was immediately obsessed with it. when i went home i googled her and when i saw what she looked like i was like ………………………………………………………………………………………... huh

and then i watched her interviews and realized how intelligent and awkward and weird she was on top of it all and from that point on my obsession began to solidify 

 

SH: YOUR BALLS HAVE A "GOTHIC ELEGANCE" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

 

16. Which Lana album is your favorite: Paradise, Born to Die, Lana Del Ray AKA Lizzy Grant, or Sirens?

born 2 die 

 

SH: CAN YOU EXPLAIN

17. Favorite Lana song? Why? 

million dollar man. i just think everything about it is totally ~exquisite. the lyrics, her voice, the jazzy undertones, the occasional animal noise. everything is beautiful. plus i really identify with the lyrics. i also think its the song she performs the best, live. i can usually find an element or two that i dislike in many of my favorites, but i literally have nothing but good things to say about this song. 

18. Least favorite Lana song? Why?

delicious. cause its fucking sewer trash 

 
19. If given the opportunity to meet Lana for an hour, what would you do/say?

i would ask her about her general songwriting process and how she goes about writing a song, how she goes about making a homemade video, ask to see some of her moodboards, ask how old she is and what she’s done to her face, ask if i could work for her, ask her about all the men she’s dated, ask her to sing million dollar man for me, ask her to sing delicious so i could laugh at her and ask her what the fuck she was thinking

 

SH: You write a song like Delicious after you've just tried escaping your cab driver drunk tbh

20. Would you rather love and be loved or know all God knows?

love and be loved. i’d rather fill a void in my heart than one in my head, because my head hasn’t done much to make me happy thus far 

21. Of all the unreleased videos and songs we have knowledge of, what do you thirst for most?

roses, not only because its “rare", but because its a chris braide song. and the OTTR demo 

22. Are you the leaker?

i wish i had unleaked material. guess i’m not a true fan lmao 

 

SH: Time to re-count these MOTM votes smfh...

23. Are you Lana?

maybe in ~spirit  

24. Are you Ben Mawson?

maybe if i can get him in me, we can then be considered as ~one  

25. Are you Edward Gallegos?

no, i’m a bottom 

 

SH: You don't say, "COLACUNT" An iron-clad argument tbh

 

26. Did you answer the 4 questions above honestly?

jk i wrote live or die  

27. Who are your favourite artists?

other than lana, i really like adult. and glass candy

 
28. What was the last book you read?

games people play: the basic handbook of transactional analysis  

29. Recommend us a song (can’t be top 40/popular) that we just have to listen to!

30. If you ever became a musician, what would you make your stage name?

fried slut 

 

SH: Lizzy Grant's career already failed once

I mean

31. What comes after “Lana Del Rey” in your music library?

Lizzy Grant 

32. Put your iPod/music library on shuffle and tell us which 10 songs are played. Don't skip, don't cheat!

xiu xiu - ceremony 

riz ortolani - adulteress’ punishment 

lana del rey - hundred dollar bill (demo) 

blonde redhead - equus 

le tigre - eau d’ bedroom dancing 

deerhoof - milkman

britney spears - heaven on earth 

lana del rey - baby blue love 

sam sparro - black and gold 

gesaffelstein - belgium 

33. What are your thoughts on emotions, and the way that people express them?

they’re great when they’re great. not so much when they’re not. obviously they’re unavoidable and necessary but i think when it comes to expressing your own and navigating those of others, it can get way too complicated and overwhelming. i don’t think people are honest or forthcoming enough when it comes to their own (recognized) emotions, and that it would be nice if everyone had a more child-like sense of openness about them 

 

34. Do you hate anyone? If so, why?

no. people have fucked me over in horrible ways and i still don’t hate them. i might feel anger at first but most often i end up feeling nothing but genuine indifference. apparently that’s even worse though, but whether that’s a good or a bad thing i still don’t know 

35. What are the small things in life that make you as happy as a clam?

anything with cheese on it. good finds at the thrift store. laying in bed with my laptop, my cat, and re-runs of my favorite shows. 

 

SH: GOTHIC ELEGANCE MANIFESTO

36. What would you say is your favorite physical trait + personality trait in potential partner?

physical trait: beautiful eyes and a huge cock 

personality trait: kindess and a biting wit 

 

SH: behind-the-scenes this was evilentity's exact answer before I told him to tone it down

37. do u like pies

yas

38. what is ur favourite kind of pie

creampie. no but really, like vanilla cream pie  

39. do u enjoy flying kites, if so, what would ur ideal kite look like, describe it

i don’t enjoy flying kites because it requires me to get out of bed, but if i did fly a kite it would probably be all black, like my soul. or maybe like a pretentiously decadent paisley or something 

 

SH: Sorry this is the definition of gothic elegance. My kite would be like COLACUNT's balls.

BONUS: Is there anything you'd like to tell the community of LanaBoards?

yas -- i have frequented 2-3 different forums religiously over the past several years, and no other community out there has so many members that are as intelligent / hilarious / insightful / resourceful / sassy as the people on here. thank u all for making me piss myself daily!! you guys are the best 

 

[TrailerParkDarling 5,679]

love this interview + cc <3 Describing everything as "gothically elegant" from now on omfg [its how i picture ultraviolence to be tbh]

[COLACNT 5,170]

omg i hope no one reading this thinks anyone has actually described my balls as being either gothic or elegant. what would that require anyway? piercings? a perm? cause i have neither lmaoooo

 

ps if anyone wants to buy the same dildo, its on sale 

 

[COLACNT 5,170]

19. If given the opportunity to meet Lana for an hour, what would you do/say?

i would ask her about her general songwriting process and how she goes about writing a song, how she goes about making a homemade video, ask to see some of her moodboards, ask how old she is and what she’s done to her face, ask if i could work for her, ask her about all the men she’s dated, ask her to sing million dollar man for me, ask her to sing delicious so i could laugh at her and ask her what the fuck she was thinking

 

SH: You write a song like Delicious after you've just tried escaping your cab driver drunk tbh

 

 

   

 

literally lmao 

[Sitar 22,172]

   

 

literally lmao 

 

I'm delicious, you can't touch this

[butterflies 3,039]

SH: Everyone wants pix from your skater / str8 edge yrs bro

 

 

Great interview! I really enjoyed!

[Baby V Alex 2,858]

I'm glad COLACUNT won cause I can see his FLAWLESS avi on the mainpage for a month

[evilentity 13,303]

i’ll be needling soccer moms

Seems like a solid life's ambition to me.

 

my balls have a "gothic elegance" about them

If this interview had a title, this would be it. Gothic Elegance should be the follow-up to Ultraviolence.

 

36. What would you say is your favorite physical trait + personality trait in potential partner?

physical trait: beautiful eyes and a huge cock 

personality trait: kindess and a biting wit 

 

SH: behind-the-scenes this was evilentity's exact answer before I told him to tone it down

You know, at this rate I'm gonna have stop calling you PSYtar and start calling you @@Stoop Kid. 

[Bekim 2,575]

I wish I could go shopping w u.

this slays

[YUNGATA 14,944]

swaggy

[COLACNT 5,170]

I wish I could go shopping w u.

 

 

come to california bby 

 

[lmdr 9,894]

Gothic Elegance is like now my hooker name, artist name, album name. It's my life. 

[Trinity 1,219]

No way! I'm going to school for dermatology, too (although I'd much, much rather be going into artistic production of some sort, like you said)!

[Sitar 22,172]

Seems like a solid life's ambition to me.

 

If this interview had a title, this would be it. Gothic Elegance should be the follow-up to Ultraviolence.

 

You know, at this rate I'm gonna have stop calling you PSYtar and start calling you @@Stoop Kid. 

 

Don't mistake my all too easy gay baiting for thirst, Dad

[Wryta Thinkpiece 3,342]

You know, at this rate I'm gonna have stop calling you PSYtar and start calling you @@Stoop Kid. 

You called for me, Daddy?

 

Don't mistake my all too easy gay baiting for thirst, Dad

You say that like the comparison is an insult on your end. I'll rattle your cage when I wanna hear you caw, dear; for now, how about putting all that adorable enthusiasm into finding another life ambition to procrastinate on? Seems more up to your speed.

 

I'm not saying it's not a thirst, but I'm not saying it is either.

 

But no, really though, my Abnormal Psych professor said something today and made note of an "evil entity" in relevance to what we were discussing, and I immediately thought of @@evilentity.

 

 

Okay, I can totally get what people are thinking now.

 

 

[phahad 691]

omfg i loved this a lot. enjoyed reading it + ure too funny i like u more now 

[Sitar 22,172]

@ changing your av to a pretty pic, PETTY

[COLACNT 5,170]

@ changing your av to a pretty pic, PETTY

 

find a way 2 deal w/ it  

 

 

[trayertrash 7,210]

YAAAAAAAS COLACUNT YAAAAAS!!!!!!
BRAZIL LOVES COLACUNT!!!!
COME TO BRAZIL COLACUNT!!!!
LIKE IF YOU'RE FROM BRAZIL!!!!!!!!!!!

[TRENCH 15,342]

 i didn’t want to pay ~$20 for it so i put a $3.99 sticker on top of the actual barcode and went through the self-checkout line instead. #colacuntlifehack

 

You gave me a reason to live, thank you